My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am one with the molecules
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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