Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
