I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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