Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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