My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
