I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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