imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
