btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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