i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
