maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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