I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
