I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have fence marks all over my body
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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