You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
