My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
