I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
