You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
