She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
