i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
