tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
