Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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