see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
