May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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