I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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