we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
