At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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