You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Actions speak louder than pants.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
