I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
