OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
