I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
