there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
