I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
