i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
