i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
