you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
