hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
