You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
