Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
