Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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