just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
