It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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