If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
