I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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