I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
