Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
