The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
