I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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