Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
