So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just invented taco cereal.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
