I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
