i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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