I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
