my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
