Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
