he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
